he watches the rain like it's alive but he feels less alive himself behind him the house turns dark its last light going off
don't turn back don't look back keep going ahead
and maybe another house and another wife will open up before you
or maybe there'll be another war coming and the nation will need your service again
this time the fear shall be less intense The first time someone points a gun at you you're terrified the second time's the same third forth and so on but eventually there comes a time when you run out of people to point guns at you
fifth
twelfth
forty-third
and none of them make you feel like her eyes watching from the window behind the curtains and no pulling of the trigger and no bang is like her voice screaming at the kid to go away, to not look
"A stranger! That's what the man outside is. And I'm calling the police if he keeps staring like that. DON'T! you dare look at him. Go to your room. Now."
What's a man when all the wars are over? A squirt gun against the sun.
His good hand, the one with whole and working fingers reached into an inner pocket of his uniform, found nothing.
He walked on And it rained on And there were no more wars
He had a big belly but he wasn't a fat man he wished he was a fat man
his daughter was four and she told him that he looked like a turtle born on the wrong side of its shell
and mother laughed. He didn't.
Surely he would have if the swelling wasn't a terminal disease a type of cancer of the stomach and guts whose name he struggled very hard to forget but the regular visits to the doctor kept reminding him
his wife kept laughing she said that laughing is the key the best healing Laughter and love lots and lots of love Love
but the other night when he tucked the little girl in bed and kissed her forehead and said "I love you." she poked her tongue at him and said "I don't! You ugly and weird. I love mommy and puppy Bran. Good night." And she put her head on the pillow and closed her eyes.
It was I who went to the shelter and brought puppy Bran home, he though as he closed the door, tears blurring his vision He didn't go into the bedroom where his wife was probably asleep
he went into the bathroom vomited washed his face rinsed his mouth went into the kitchen and grabbed the leash went outside and took puppy Bran for a walk
the moon lighted their path and the shadow of his big, swollen belly covered all of puppy Bran
What do you want to become when you grow up? was their most asked question
And silence was my most given answer
Might as well ask How do you wanna die?
I didn’t. I didn’t wanna grow up
but God, nature, the universe put me through it anyway
And I told God, nature, the universe that I would give up all the possibilities for my future, all the things that I could become if only God, nature, the universe would answer me this one question:
WHY DO I HAVE TO GROW UP IN THE FIRST PLACE?
And a deal has been made and God, nature, the universe said: WHY, IT’S QUITE SIMPLE. YOU HAVE TO GROW UP BECAUSE YOUR GUARDIANS ARE GROWING OLD. AND YOU WOULDN’T WANNA BE YOUNG IN A WORLD WHERE NO ONE TAKES CARE OF YOU, WOULD YOU?
God, nature, the universe was right And I said it was right and the children in the streets and the sewers and the laboring camps and the foster homes agreed with me
We have to grow up
And because of the deal I struck with God, nature, the universe I am now unable to become any of the things I could’ve become
I can only imagine those things and write about them